Some thoughts for parents on moving ahead with new aspects of Social Distancing during COVID-19. Sandra Caroompas LMFT
Children and social distancing….this is a complete contradiction that we are now faced with as parents and caregivers to these precious young people.
So often in my practice I remind parents that children are not simply small adults. Society often forgets this fact of brain development and social awareness, especially when expecting children to manage anxiety around COVID-19 (and I suppose most other scary things) in a similar way to adults. This likely includes the strong desire in many adults to interact with their “tribe” and this may be satisfied sitting 10 feet apart outdoors talking, being near someone is meeting a strong need in the adult, but this may not address similar needs in children, and in fact it may pose a risk for increased anxiety, or confusion.
I wonder and lately ponder frequently about children and their need for social/emotional connection. It appears their needs (especially during COVID) most likely are not met in the same way as adults, due to a child’s need to touch, interact, use all senses and to embrace human relationship in a free flowing and sensory way. When doing video chat or online session this works well, as there is no “real” person in the room with the child, yes, me their therapist is there with them but there is less pain around not interacting due to the simple fact that it is impossible with a computer or a phone. Having the same interaction in a park or my front yard would be drastically different, and I suggest it poses some barriers for children that are not so apparent in adults.
Adults spend less of their “friend” time touching, unfortunately, using sensory aspects has been left back in childhood due to social norms and pressures. Children explore relationship with their senses and with especially tactile information so when they are placed within a few feet of a friend they usually hug, hold hands, wrestle, TOUCH, it may be a harder event for the child to do social distancing activities face to face, and may create some anxiety around the loss of connection and even fear over “WHY” this is still so wrong, yet we are here playing together in a park….10 feet away. Connection and play occur within the continuum of sensory material, and children often feel isolated and “left out” when others are not interacting with them in these ways.
Notice how your child does if you decide to explore these aspects of social distancing that include actually being physically present in the same area as a friend versus using devices to interact and stay connected. There is no precedent, so we will have to learn from the children, and discover how all this felt when we ask them later.
In my practice children have told me that it is painful emotionally to see loved ones and not be able to embrace them or engage in the sensory experiences they are used to with the loved one. So this may not be an issue of transition the child needs to work through, it may be that anxiety is increasing for children when they are exposed to social connection in this non-touch and non-sensory way, it may overload their ability to cope which could result in increased anxiety, loss of sleep, grumpiness etc. My suggestion is to talk about it as a family and if you feel it is best for your children to “see” but not touch their friends in a safe social distancing moment, also limit this exposure as it will not meet all the needs your child has for connection, and in some cases may create anxiety if it occurs too often. Using a phone or computer with supervision is safe for interaction with friends and loved ones, due to the non-touch nature and the fact that it does not require the child to learn a new paradigm for social interaction and cues while they are developing and navigating COVID-19 and the pandemic that is all around these little ones.
Using a phone or computer presents all of us with the same “rules and assumptions” where social interaction while distancing might not do that for children, even though adults may report a benefit for themselves in having time to interact safely with a friend. The adult relationship does not have to change much in order for social distancing interactions to occur, but a child’s entire way of interaction, including communication, awareness, and play, all require a higher level of touch, and therefore, likely are not as soothing for children as they are for adults. This difference in interaction is not only noted in young children, but I would speculate children 0-18 have similar sensory interaction styles, and needs. Of course the ways these play out change as the child develops and learns social cues, types of response, and emotional awareness.
Of course, this is all uncharted territory, we are pioneering this pandemic, however, we will find a way to interact and play again, in the meantime while we are staying safe, it is best to ponder the impact of play without any touch on your children.
Prior to any interaction rather it be through a device or in a physical location, it is a great idea to discuss the event with your child, and provide some structure around the time they will interact, and address any concerns either of you have. Be sure to allow plenty of processing time after interactions, either talking, drawing, singing, dancing, or playing out feelings, emotions, questions, and concerns. Enrich your days with sensory experiences to help breach the gap that has been lost due to social isolation, and this is a great time to practice more family hugs, create your own family handshake, put lotion on your children, practice using all senses in mindfulness and throughout your day to help fill this sensory need your children have (my guess is that “we” adults also have this need).
As we move into whatever the next phase of this pandemic will be, and we navigate together uncharted territory around social connection, it is my hope that as gatekeepers for these precious children we will provide the exposure to sensory experiences that they are missing when not physically interacting with others. The wonderful thing about that is that due to the amazing resilience of children they will succeed and do well when given the chance! I am honored to daily witness your children reducing anxiety and increasing coping skills, empowering their voice, appreciating family connection, building confidence, and developing an overall ability to “be well and ok, to see the good every day” and to “overcome”. It is my belief that we will all move through this challenge of COVID and gather all the tools and skills necessary for the next leg of our journey.
Sandra Caroompas LMFT 09/19/2020
Children and social distancing….this is a complete contradiction that we are now faced with as parents and caregivers to these precious young people.
So often in my practice I remind parents that children are not simply small adults. Society often forgets this fact of brain development and social awareness, especially when expecting children to manage anxiety around COVID-19 (and I suppose most other scary things) in a similar way to adults. This likely includes the strong desire in many adults to interact with their “tribe” and this may be satisfied sitting 10 feet apart outdoors talking, being near someone is meeting a strong need in the adult, but this may not address similar needs in children, and in fact it may pose a risk for increased anxiety, or confusion.
I wonder and lately ponder frequently about children and their need for social/emotional connection. It appears their needs (especially during COVID) most likely are not met in the same way as adults, due to a child’s need to touch, interact, use all senses and to embrace human relationship in a free flowing and sensory way. When doing video chat or online session this works well, as there is no “real” person in the room with the child, yes, me their therapist is there with them but there is less pain around not interacting due to the simple fact that it is impossible with a computer or a phone. Having the same interaction in a park or my front yard would be drastically different, and I suggest it poses some barriers for children that are not so apparent in adults.
Adults spend less of their “friend” time touching, unfortunately, using sensory aspects has been left back in childhood due to social norms and pressures. Children explore relationship with their senses and with especially tactile information so when they are placed within a few feet of a friend they usually hug, hold hands, wrestle, TOUCH, it may be a harder event for the child to do social distancing activities face to face, and may create some anxiety around the loss of connection and even fear over “WHY” this is still so wrong, yet we are here playing together in a park….10 feet away. Connection and play occur within the continuum of sensory material, and children often feel isolated and “left out” when others are not interacting with them in these ways.
Notice how your child does if you decide to explore these aspects of social distancing that include actually being physically present in the same area as a friend versus using devices to interact and stay connected. There is no precedent, so we will have to learn from the children, and discover how all this felt when we ask them later.
In my practice children have told me that it is painful emotionally to see loved ones and not be able to embrace them or engage in the sensory experiences they are used to with the loved one. So this may not be an issue of transition the child needs to work through, it may be that anxiety is increasing for children when they are exposed to social connection in this non-touch and non-sensory way, it may overload their ability to cope which could result in increased anxiety, loss of sleep, grumpiness etc. My suggestion is to talk about it as a family and if you feel it is best for your children to “see” but not touch their friends in a safe social distancing moment, also limit this exposure as it will not meet all the needs your child has for connection, and in some cases may create anxiety if it occurs too often. Using a phone or computer with supervision is safe for interaction with friends and loved ones, due to the non-touch nature and the fact that it does not require the child to learn a new paradigm for social interaction and cues while they are developing and navigating COVID-19 and the pandemic that is all around these little ones.
Using a phone or computer presents all of us with the same “rules and assumptions” where social interaction while distancing might not do that for children, even though adults may report a benefit for themselves in having time to interact safely with a friend. The adult relationship does not have to change much in order for social distancing interactions to occur, but a child’s entire way of interaction, including communication, awareness, and play, all require a higher level of touch, and therefore, likely are not as soothing for children as they are for adults. This difference in interaction is not only noted in young children, but I would speculate children 0-18 have similar sensory interaction styles, and needs. Of course the ways these play out change as the child develops and learns social cues, types of response, and emotional awareness.
Of course, this is all uncharted territory, we are pioneering this pandemic, however, we will find a way to interact and play again, in the meantime while we are staying safe, it is best to ponder the impact of play without any touch on your children.
Prior to any interaction rather it be through a device or in a physical location, it is a great idea to discuss the event with your child, and provide some structure around the time they will interact, and address any concerns either of you have. Be sure to allow plenty of processing time after interactions, either talking, drawing, singing, dancing, or playing out feelings, emotions, questions, and concerns. Enrich your days with sensory experiences to help breach the gap that has been lost due to social isolation, and this is a great time to practice more family hugs, create your own family handshake, put lotion on your children, practice using all senses in mindfulness and throughout your day to help fill this sensory need your children have (my guess is that “we” adults also have this need).
As we move into whatever the next phase of this pandemic will be, and we navigate together uncharted territory around social connection, it is my hope that as gatekeepers for these precious children we will provide the exposure to sensory experiences that they are missing when not physically interacting with others. The wonderful thing about that is that due to the amazing resilience of children they will succeed and do well when given the chance! I am honored to daily witness your children reducing anxiety and increasing coping skills, empowering their voice, appreciating family connection, building confidence, and developing an overall ability to “be well and ok, to see the good every day” and to “overcome”. It is my belief that we will all move through this challenge of COVID and gather all the tools and skills necessary for the next leg of our journey.
Sandra Caroompas LMFT 09/19/2020
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